REPEAL BAD LEGISLATION LIMITING FLUSH WATER IN TOILETS
by James Traficant
September 10, 1997
Mr. Speaker, a flush is not a flush. The old standard toilet flushed away 3.5 gallons of water, so Congress in its inimitable wisdom passed a new law that said all toilets in America must use only 1.6 gallons of water. Since then, Americans are flushing, flushing, flushing like mad, wasting [...]
Problems at the post office
by James Traficant
PROBLEMS AT THE POST OFFICE
September 17, 1997
Mr. Speaker, Martha Cherry, a letter carrier for 18 years, has been fired. The Postal Service said, `Your stride is too short.’ If that is not enough to put a runner in your pantyhose, check this out.
According to the Postal Service, they wrote in the report that [...]
Coincidence
COINCIDENCE
by James Traficant
October 8, 1997
Mr. Speaker, Patricia Mendoza heckled the President; she got audited. Kent Brown sued the First Lady; he got audited. The National Center for Public Policy criticized the White House; they got audited. Billy Dale got the White House mad; he got audited. Paula Jones refused a cash settlement; she got audited.
If [...]
Hamlet, Severely Abridged
Act I Scene 1
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
MARCELLUS
Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
BERNARDO
In the same figure, like the king that’s dead.
Act I Scene 2
KING CLAUDIUS
Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,
And thy best graces spend it at thy will!
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,–
HAMLET
[...]
Green Eggs and Hamlet
GREEN EGGS AND HAM
By Dr. Seuss
I am Sam
I am Sam
Sam I am
A little more than kin, and less than kind!
Do you like
green eggs and ham?
Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely.
The biggest fool in the world
From Letters to the Air Force about UFOs
Dear Sir;
I read your statement about UFO. I do not know if there are an but they could be. All my life I have been trying to understand gravity; about 7 years back I found a key which seemed to fit, about 3 months ago I found how [...]
The Beast
from Letters To The Air Force About UFOs
June 29, 1959
Dear Sir:
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to the best of my abilities, so help me God.
I wrote to you last winter and said I would reveal the details of Extraordinary Phenomenon (to put it mildly), which occurred [...]
I Merely Want a Laboratory
from Letters To The Air Force About UFOs
Dear sir:
I believe I have unlocked the riddle of flying saucers, or at least arrived at a working theory of how they work. You may think I am a crackpot, but you will regret this till your dying day if you ignore this letter.
You see I unwittingly [...]
News Argument Show
HOST: Generic welcome and audience appreciating remarks. Brand building, or this show and of course the network brand. Introduction of obnoxious blowhard.
LEFT: Friendly acknowledgment, with a quick jab at my partner and rival.
HOST: And second obnoxious blowhard introduction.
RIGHT: Good natured remark, and a quick response to my opponent.
HOST: Bland faux-serious introduction of political [...]
The Princess Bride
MAN IN BLACK
All right: where is the pie? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
