REPEAL BAD LEGISLATION LIMITING FLUSH WATER IN TOILETS
by James Traficant September 10, 1997 Mr. Speaker, a flush is not a flush. The old standard toilet flushed away 3.5 gallons of water, so Congress in its inimitable wisdom passed a new law that said all toilets in America must use only 1.6 gallons of water. Since then, Americans are flushing, flushing, flushing like [...]
Read MoreProblems at the post office
by James Traficant PROBLEMS AT THE POST OFFICE September 17, 1997 Mr. Speaker, Martha Cherry, a letter carrier for 18 years, has been fired. The Postal Service said, `Your stride is too short.’ If that is not enough to put a runner in your pantyhose, check this out. According to the Postal Service, they wrote [...]
Read MoreCoincidence
COINCIDENCE by James Traficant October 8, 1997 Mr. Speaker, Patricia Mendoza heckled the President; she got audited. Kent Brown sued the First Lady; he got audited. The National Center for Public Policy criticized the White House; they got audited. Billy Dale got the White House mad; he got audited. Paula Jones refused a cash settlement; [...]
Read MoreHamlet, Severely Abridged
Act I Scene 1 BERNARDO Have you had quiet guard? FRANCISCO Not a mouse stirring. MARCELLUS Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again! BERNARDO In the same figure, like the king that’s dead. Act I Scene 2 KING CLAUDIUS Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine, And thy best graces spend it [...]
Read MoreGreen Eggs and Hamlet
GREEN EGGS AND HAM By Dr. Seuss I am Sam I am Sam Sam I am A little more than kin, and less than kind! Do you like green eggs and ham? Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden, That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature Possess it merely.
Read MoreThe biggest fool in the world
From Letters to the Air Force about UFOs Dear Sir; I read your statement about UFO. I do not know if there are an but they could be. All my life I have been trying to understand gravity; about 7 years back I found a key which seemed to fit, about 3 months ago I [...]
Read MoreThe Beast
from Letters To The Air Force About UFOs June 29, 1959 Dear Sir: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to the best of my abilities, so help me God. I wrote to you last winter and said I would reveal the details of Extraordinary Phenomenon (to put [...]
Read MoreI Merely Want a Laboratory
from Letters To The Air Force About UFOs Dear sir: I believe I have unlocked the riddle of flying saucers, or at least arrived at a working theory of how they work. You may think I am a crackpot, but you will regret this till your dying day if you ignore this letter. You see [...]
Read MoreNews Argument Show
HOST: Generic welcome and audience appreciating remarks. Brand building, or this show and of course the network brand. Introduction of obnoxious blowhard. LEFT: Friendly acknowledgment, with a quick jab at my partner and rival. HOST: And second obnoxious blowhard introduction. RIGHT: Good natured remark, and a quick response to my opponent. HOST: Bland faux-serious introduction [...]
Read MoreThe Princess Bride
MAN IN BLACK
All right: where is the pie? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.