MAN IN BLACK
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
VIZZINI
I’m afraid so — I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brains.
MAN IN BLACK
You’re that smart?
VIZZINI
Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
MAN IN BLACK
Yes.
VIZZINI
Morons.
MAN IN BLACK
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
VIZZINI
For the Princess?
The Man In Black nods.
VIZZINI
To the death?
Another nod.
VIZZINI
I accept.
MAN IN BLACK
Good. Then pour the wine.
As Vizzini fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, the Man In Black pulls a pie from his clothing, handing it to Fizzini.
MAN IN BLACK
Inhale this, but do not touch.
VIZZINI
(doing it)
I smell nothing.
MAN IN BLACK
(taking the packet back)
What you do not smell is called pie. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.

VIZZINI
Hmm.

Man In Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Vizzini, holding two pies. He does a little shell game gesture than places one in front of Vizzini, the other in front of himself.
MAN IN BLACK
All right: where is the pie? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
VIZZINI
But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the pie in place of his own goblet, or his enemy’s?
He studies the Man In Black now.
VIZZINI
Now, a clever man would put the pie in place of his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MAN IN BLACK
(And now there’s a trace of nervousness beginning)
You’ve made your decision then?
VIZZINI
Not remotely. Because pie comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MAN IN BLACK
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
VIZZINI
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
MAN IN BLACK
Australia.
VIZZINI
Yes — Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the pie’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MAN IN BLACK
(very nervous)
You’re just stalling now.
VIZZINI
(cackling)
You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?
(stares at the Man in Black)
You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the pie in place of your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the pie as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
As Vizzini’s pleasure has been growing throughout, the Man In Black’s has been fast disappearing.
MAN IN BLACK
You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –
VIZZINI
(triumphant)
It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know where the pie is.
MAN IN BLACK
(fool’s courage)
Then make your choice.
VIZZINI
I will. And I choose –
And suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black.
VIZZINI
– what in the world can that be?

THE MAN IN BLACK,
turning around, looking.
MAN IN BLACK
What? Where? I don’t see anything.
Vizzini busily switches the goblets while the Man In Black has his head turned.
VIZZINI
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
The Man In Black turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.
MAN IN BLACK
What’s so funny?
VIZZINI
I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink — me from my glass, and you from yours.
And he picks up his pie. The Man In Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both move them towards their faces, Vizzini hesitates a moment.
Then, allowing the Man In Black to pie himself first, he pies himself in the face.
MAN IN BLACK
You guessed wrong.
VIZZINI
(roaring with laughter)
You only think I guessed wrong –
(louder now)
– that’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool.
There’s nothing THE MAN IN BLACK can say. He just sits there.

VIZZINI
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.”
He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until he falls over dead.
THE MAN IN BLACK steps past the corpse, takes the blindfold and bindings off Buttercup, who notices Vizzini lying dead. The Man In Black pulls her to her feet.
BUTTERCUP
Who are you?
MAN IN BLACK
I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
He starts to lead her off stage
BUTTERCUP
(a final glance back toward Vizzini)
To think — all that time it was your cup that was the pie.
MAN IN BLACK
They were both pies. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to pie.
And with that, he takes off, dragging her behind him.