October 8, 1997
Mr. Speaker, Patricia Mendoza heckled the President; she got audited. Kent Brown sued the First Lady; he got audited. The National Center for Public Policy criticized the White House; they got audited. Billy Dale got the White House mad; he got audited. Paula Jones refused a cash settlement; she got audited.
If that is not enough to tax your disgust, Shelly Davis, the author of Unbridled Power, who testified about IRS abuses before the Senate, got a notice in the mail yesterday; she is being audited.
Unbelievable. After all this, an IRS spokesman said, coincidence, all coincidence. I say, Mr. Speaker, the IRS has turned into a bunch of political prostitutes.
I want to apologize to all the hookers in America for having associated them with the IRS. I say beam me up, dot com, coincidence this.

BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
MARCELLUS
Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
BERNARDO
In the same figure, like the king that’s dead.

Act I Scene 2

KING CLAUDIUS
Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,
And thy best graces spend it at thy will!
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,–
HAMLET
O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!

HORATIO
My lord, the king your father.
HAMLET
The king my father!

Act I Scene 3

LAERTES
For Hamlet and the trifling of his favour,
Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood,
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,
The perfume and suppliance of a minute; No more.
OPHELIA
No more but so?
LORD POLONIUS

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,

Act I Scene 4

HAMLET
My fate cries out,
And makes each petty artery in this body
As hardy as the Nemean lion’s nerve.
Still am I call’d. Unhand me, gentlemen.
By heaven, I’ll make a ghost of him that lets me!
I say, away! Go on; I’ll follow thee.
HORATIO
Have after. To what issue will this come?
MARCELLUS
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Act I Scene 5

Ghost
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
HAMLET
Murder!
Ghost
Murder most foul, as in the best it is;
But this most foul, strange and unnatural.
HAMLET
Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!
The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!

Act II Scene 1
OPHELIA
My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced;
No hat upon his head; his stockings foul’d,
Ungarter’d, and down-gyved to his ancle;
LORD POLONIUS
Mad for thy love?
OPHELIA
My lord, I do not know;
But truly, I do fear it.
Act II Scene 2

LORD POLONIUS
Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
Madam, I swear I use no art at all.
That he is mad, ’tis true: ’tis true ’tis pity;
Though this be madness, yet there is method

HAMLET
O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I
have bad dreams.
LORD POLONIUS
This is too long.
HAMLET
It shall to the barber’s, with your beard. Prithee,
say on: he’s for a jig or a tale of bawdry, or he
sleeps: say on: come to Hecuba. The play’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!
Act III Scene 1

HAMLET
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
LORD POLONIUS
It shall do well: but yet do I believe
The origin and commencement of his grief
Sprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia! To England send him, or confine him where
Your wisdom best shall think.
KING CLAUDIUS
It shall be so:
Madness in great ones must not unwatch’d go.
Act III Scene 2

HAMLET

To sound what stop she please. Give me that man
That is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him
In my heart’s core, ay, in my heart of heart,

QUEEN GERTRUDE
The lady protests too much, methinks.
HAMLET
O, but she’ll keep her word.
HAMLET
O good Horatio, I’ll take the ghost’s word for a
thousand pound. Didst perceive?
HORATIO
Very well, my lord.
HAMLET
Upon the talk of the poisoning?
HORATIO
I did very well note him.
Act III Scene 3

KING CLAUDIUS

O, my offence is rank it smells to heaven;
It hath the primal eldest curse upon’t,
My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayer
Can serve my turn? ‘Forgive me my foul murder’?
That cannot be; since I am still possess’d
Of those effects for which I did the murder,

HAMLET
Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I’ll do’t. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann’d:
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven.
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
Act III Scene 4

HAMLET
[Within] Mother, mother, mother!
QUEEN GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?
Help, help, ho!
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] What, ho! help, help, help!
HAMLET
[Drawing] How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!
Makes a pass through the arras
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] O, I am slain!
Falls and dies
Act IV Scene 1

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Mad as the sea and wind, when both contend
Which is the mightier: in his lawless fit,
Behind the arras hearing something stir,
Whips out his rapier, cries, ‘A rat, a rat!’
And, in this brainish apprehension, kills
The unseen good old man.
KING CLAUDIUS

Friends both, go join you with some further aid:
Hamlet in madness hath Polonius slain,
And from his mother’s closet hath he dragg’d him:
Go seek him out; speak fair, and bring the body
Into the chapel. I pray you, haste in this.

Act IV Scene 2

ROSENCRANTZ
What have you done, my lord, with the dead body?
HAMLET
The body is with the king, but the king is not with
the body. The king is a thing–
Act IV Scene 3

KING CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, this deed, for thine especial safety,–
Which we do tender, as we dearly grieve
For that which thou hast done,–must send thee hence
With fiery quickness: therefore prepare thyself;
The bark is ready, and the wind at help,
The associates tend, and every thing is bent
For England.
HAMLET
For England!
KING CLAUDIUS
Ay, Hamlet.
HAMLET
Good.
KING CLAUDIUS
So is it, if thou knew’st our purposes.
HAMLET
I see a cherub that sees them. But, come; for
England! Farewell, dear mother.
KING CLAUDIUS

The present death of Hamlet. Do it, England;
For like the hectic in my blood he rages,
And thou must cure me: till I know ’tis done,
Howe’er my haps, my joys were ne’er begun.

Act IV Scene 4

HAMLET
Goes it against the main of Poland, sir,
Or for some frontier?
Captain
Truly to speak, and with no addition,
We go to gain a little patch of ground
That hath in it no profit but the name.
Act IV Scene 5

LAERTES
I thank you: keep the door. O thou vile king,
Give me my father!
KING CLAUDIUS
Why, now you speak
Like a good child and a true gentleman.
That I am guiltless of your father’s death,

OPHELIA
[Sings]
They bore him barefaced on the bier;
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;
And in his grave rain’d many a tear:–
Fare you well, my dove!
LAERTES
Let this be so;
His means of death, his obscure funeral–
No trophy, sword, nor hatchment o’er his bones,
No noble rite nor formal ostentation–
Cry to be heard, as ’twere from heaven to earth,
That I must call’t in question.
Act IV Scene 6

HORATIO
[Reads] ‘Horatio, when thou shalt have overlooked
this, give these fellows some means to the king:They have dealt with
me like thieves of mercy: but they knew what they
did; I am to do a good turn for them ‘He that thou knowest thine, HAMLET.’
Come, I will make you way for these your letters;
And do’t the speedier, that you may direct me
To him from whom you brought them.
Act IV Scene 7

KING CLAUDIUS
To thine own peace. If he be now return’d,
As checking at his voyage, and that he means
No more to undertake it, I will work him
To an exploit, now ripe in my device,
Under the which he shall not choose but fall:
And for his death no wind of blame shall breathe,
But even his mother shall uncharge the practise
And call it accident.
LAERTES
I will do’t:
And, for that purpose, I’ll anoint my sword.
I bought an unction of a mountebank,
So mortal that, but dip a knife in it,
Act V Scene 1
HAMLET
Let me see.
Takes the skull
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy:
HORATIO
What’s that, my lord?
HAMLET
What, the fair Ophelia!
LAERTES
O, treble woe
Fall ten times treble on that cursed head,
Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense
HAMLET
Why I will fight with him upon this theme
Until my eyelids will no longer wag.
Act V Scene 2
LAERTES
Come, my lord.
They play
KING CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, do not drink.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I will, my lord; I pray you, pardon me.
KING CLAUDIUS
[Aside] It is the poison’d cup: it is too late.
LAERTES
Have at you now!
LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, no, the drink, the drink,–O my dear Hamlet,–
The drink, the drink! I am poison’d.
Dies
HAMLET
Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,
Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?
Follow my mother.
KING CLAUDIUS dies
LAERTES
He is justly served;
It is a poison temper’d by himself.
Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:
Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee,
Nor thine on me.
Dies
HAMLET
O, I die, Horatio;
The potent poison quite o’er-crows my spirit:
I cannot live to hear the news from England;
But I do prophesy the election lights
On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited. The rest is silence.
Dies
HORATIO
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
Why does the drum come hither?
March within
Enter FORTINBRAS, the English Ambassadors, and others

A little more than kin, and less than kind!

Do you like
green eggs and ham?

Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely.

Would you like them
here or there?

Angels and ministers of grace defend us!–
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn’d,
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou com’st in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee:

Would you like them
in a house?
Would you like them
with a mouse?

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the fool
nowhere but in’s own house.
Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse;
And let him, for a pair of reechy kisses,
Or paddling in your neck with his damn’d fingers,
Make you to ravel all this matter out,
That I essentially am not in madness,
But mad in craft.

Would you eat them
in a box?
Would you eat them
with a fox?

Will his vouchers vouch him no more of
his purchases, and double ones too, than the length and breadth
of a pair of indentures? The very conveyances of his lands will
scarcely lie in this box!

You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
in a tree!

I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory;
Of violent birth, but poor validity:
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you,
on a train?

As, stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,
Disasters in the sun; and the moist star,
Upon whose influence Neptune’s empire stands,
Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

My sea-gown scarf’d about me, in the dark
Grop’d I to find out them: had my desire;

Would you, could you, in the rain?
I
But as we often see, against some storm,
A silence in the heavens, the rack stand still,
The bold winds speechless, and the orb below
As hush as death, anon the dreadful thunder

You do not like
green eggs and ham?

tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

Could you, would you,
with a goat?

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance in that.

Would you, could you,
on a boat?

Ere we were two days old at sea, a pirate of
very warlike appointment gave us chase. Finding ourselves too
slow of sail, we put on a compelled valour, and in the grapple I
boarded them: on the instant they got clear of our ship; so I
alone became their prisoner.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

We will try it. [pause ] O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
O, I die, Horatio;
The potent poison quite o’er-crows my spirit:
I cannot live to hear the news from England;
Which have solicited.–the rest is silence.

I read your statement about UFO. I do not know if there are an but they could be. All my life I have been trying to understand gravity; about 7 years back I found a key which seemed to fit, about 3 months ago I found how to fit it in, but I did not know how to build it, then I found how to build it but I knew it was dangerous, if wrong it would explode also it could electrocute me, kill me with high frequency sound. Electrically it would travel at high sped maybe 500,000,000 mi.per.hr., with sound it would travel at speed of light or instance. Its basic is very simple, but that is where it begins to get rough, the more I work about the dumber I feel. So far I kept it on paper because I don’t dare try to build it till I understand it.
Gravity is sound, light and electricity. I found that if you build a space ship it would be powered with a mechanical atom with six fixed electrons, you may think I am some kind of a nut, well I’m not sure that I’m not. I have been a screwball all my life so I guess I have to live with it.

Could move too fast to see. Climbing a line of force straight or down, left or right, forward or back, change of direction could be very fast. Because you can’t prove it don’t be so damn sure it can’t be done. I either know what I’m doing or I am sure I am the biggest fool in the world.

Yours Truly,

TFS

Dear Sir:

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to the best of my abilities, so help me God.
I wrote to you last winter and said I would reveal the details of Extraordinary Phenomenon (to put it mildly), which occurred a few years back.
The first terrifying Phenomenon which I wrote about in detail occurred in August of 1952, I think. (I might add to that report of the Invisible Flying Machine that the time of the Appearance to the time of the Disappearance of the loud machine was, I believe, after a series of belated tests,10 to 15 seconds.)
I have kept this second, even more terrifying Phenomenon (which occurred almost exactly one year later in August from the date of the Invisible Flying Machine occurrence) a secret, because who would believe me?
How in the world would I be able to describe the Complexity of the Monster??? Would it serve any useful purpose to tell about it? I thought that it would not. Except, at times I wondered if it might serve some odd purpose.
However, all along throughout the years I knew, deep in my conscience, that the time would surely come when I must reveal all of the bone chilling details of the hideous miracle to the proper authorities, come what may.
Ladies and gentlemen that time has arrived-here and now.
Now you don’t have to believe it, but to borrow a phrase from the South-”You better believe it.”

Do not be dismayed because of the length of time that has elapsed. I remember everything about it just as if it happened yesterday, and it will remain in my memories only forever.
It was the latter part of August, 1953. I, and little Chi-Chi (my female Chihuahua), went to [deleted] in search of gold (and squirrels), as usual. I looked for gold, she looked for squirrels.
Toward evening, after a hard days work, I took my gunny sack of likely looking quartz float rocks to a certain area where I always went to examine them carefully with a magnifying glass. Very few of them were good, and I tossed the worthless ones in my dump pile. At the same time I was carefully scrutinizing each piece I was enjoying a nice sunbath too- as usual.
I finally finished, and putting on my clothes, and picking up the light gunny sack, I holstered my .38 Night Owl revolver and told Chi-Chi: “O.K!” She was always ready to go, hours ahead of time, back to the tiny cabin.
We moved out of the dry creek bed and up the little bank, and turned left onto the old logging trail – SUDDENLY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! A tremendous, fantastic, stupendous, shrilling, piercing high pitched screaming whistle cut the air close by! A deafening, powerful, gargantuan charging tugging “beast”? (similar perhaps to a rhinoceros, or hippopotamus, or elephant, or hungry male African lion, or rogue water buffalo with a powerful log chain attached, and enclosed in a barricade of brush and trees and poles!!!) It tugged or charged with mighty strength first one way and then another, round and round, and back and forth. I got the impression that it wanted to attack me or perhaps wanted to meet me but was as scared of a final showdown as I was!
I stood stock still in my tracks – frozen by fear! The little dog barked her head off, and faced into the direction of the monster! If ever there was a time when hair could be expected to stand on end -wow! – this was IT! (We were prevented from seeing IT because of heavy brush and trees at that point!) My hand reached down to the.38 in my holster, but I knew that it would be useless as a water pistol against this thing!!!
For a few seconds I thought, irrationally, that it was maybe somebody in a bulldozer trying to scare me away!!!
There were many other sounds besides the constant, deafening and the struggling, groaning, charging BEAST, but they were too much to grasp in the mind all at once under the circumstances!
In ten to fifteen seconds (later estimation) IT vanished, and all was very quiet and peaceful again. The straight line distance to the monster was 30 to 36 feet (estimated). I stood there completely flabbergasted after the noises stopped! Finally, I moved, ever so slowly back around the trees and faced in the direction of the unholy force (which was very, very close to where I’d been sorting rocks). I saw NOTHING! Not a thing was in sight, and not a rock, or a tree, or a bush was disturbed in the slightest way! There had been no changes on the earth either. Next day I searched, and I searched, and I searched, and for many days afterward. Yard by yard, and foot by foot, and inch by inch,-but, no soap. But, suspicious Capricorn me, I wondered if perhaps, somehow, maybe someone had strung wire and set up a loudspeaker, but I couldn’t figure out just how “they” could emulate the weird sounds. I have passed that area hundreds of times, but I always cast a wary eye in that direction, but thank God IT never returned. Peace in the Valley (and Hills, too!). It’s Wonderful!

Yours Very Sincerely,
SPG

Dear sir:
I believe I have unlocked the riddle of flying saucers, or at least arrived at a working theory of how they work. You may think I am a crackpot, but you will regret this till your dying day if you ignore this letter.

You see I unwittingly let the cat out of the bag. I figured there surely was something wrong with the theory, so I sent it to some consultants. One day later the military implication struck me. With a handfull of these craft, I alone could become dictator of the earth.

I don’t really trust these inventors’ agencies, so you had better get there fast. If the Russians build one first we are all doomed. Fortunately, the theory wasn’t complete, but I still said too much.

Now, I might be wrong, but all research proves me right. They fly on varying or pulsating ion charges, and their speed limit is that of light. They will only operate near a planet but could be hooked up on a rocket ship. They could probably reach the moon without rockets but not Mars. Bullets would probably not enter the field. Metal objects would heat up near it, electric currents would stand still or reverse themselves. I have no idea who or what made the first ones, but I could make one if given the materials. .

I don’t suppose you believe me, but when you hear my terms you may…

The complete price for one flying saucer is one million dollars. That is, if my theory works. You spend much more for rockets and planes which are primitive by comparison.

Until I build a working model I merely want a laboratory and enough money to live on, around $5,000 per year, to be deducted from my original price. However, there will be a few other things thrown in. One: I get to go along when you shoot for Mars. Two: the laboratory will be located on a medium size cattle ranch, preferably near central Missouri. That is so I won’t be bothered and can have time to think. After completion of the project the ranch comes out of the original one million dollars. The rest is to be paid in such a way as to avoid high income taxes. Say, $10,000 a year. In case I get killed in the experiments, as well I might, the money goes to my next of kin.

I will need some help from various professors in physics and chemistry to build a pure ion field. Then I will need some radar technicians to build the motor, and last of all an engineer to make the hull. I will test the thing out myself. I have an idea this may well cost me my life, but it’s too fascinating to turn back now. I have been living in a dream since I discovered the principle. I know all the steps but will need professional advice.

I can’t emphasize enough; this is a nightmare machine even worse than the H-bomb in its military implication. To ordinary aircraft they would be invincible.

I have one more request to make. Locate my ex-girl-friend and offer her a job managing the wild-life on this ranch. If she hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have invented this nightmarish machine. I just want her near me because this thing will probably kill me before I am through. Not to mention what “They,” the originators of this thing that people call a saucer, will do to me when they find out I know their secret.

If research proves me wrong, in one year it will cost you $5,000, and you can use the ranch for a restor. If I am right the US will be the rulers of the world for the next century. All except for “them.” We will have no enemies. The Russian bear will become a wooly worm.
Yours Truly,
L.T.

LEFT: Friendly acknowledgment, with a quick jab at my partner and rival.

HOST: And second obnoxious blowhard introduction.

RIGHT: Good natured remark, and a quick response to my opponent.

HOST: Bland faux-serious introduction of political minutae. Statement of concern. Rhetorical question? Setting up a false dichotomy for meaningless analysis and passionate theatrics. Obvious question?

RIGHT: Obvious answer! Broad assumption, presumed reasonable, presented as natural, starting point for argument, continuing until interrupted-

LEFT: Incredulous interruption! Rhetorical question? Fake disbelief. Fake disbelief. Sarcastic question trap?

RIGHT: Sarcastic response. Accusation of unfair tactics. Reference to unrelated political incident, alleged to confirm accusation-

LEFT: Angry denial! Angry- half joking ad hominem attack phrased as a question? Attacking source of unrelated political incident.

RIGHT: Acting serious, claiming to be authoritative, implying rival is juvenile and naïve.

LEFT: Hot tempered shouting!

RIGHT: Voice getting louder! Yelling! Yelling-

LEFT: Shouting! Shouting! Denial of naivete! Grandiose claim! Grandiose claim, broad assumption, smug moral high ground!

HOST: Obligatory intervention to plead for an unwanted calm discussion.

LEFT: Grudging acknowledgment.

RIGHT: Offhand personal insult.

LEFT: Mock warning…patronizing gesture.

HOST: Another inane observation about some trivial, decontextualized event. Generic thanks and plea for continued viewership after a short break. Network cross-promotion, extolling the virtues of a fellow broadcaster. Friendly question about what to expect this evening?

[ON TO INSTANT WEATHER FORECASTING]

MAN IN BLACK
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
VIZZINI
I’m afraid so — I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brains.
MAN IN BLACK
You’re that smart?
VIZZINI
Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
MAN IN BLACK
Yes.
VIZZINI
Morons.
MAN IN BLACK
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
VIZZINI
For the Princess?
The Man In Black nods.
VIZZINI
To the death?
Another nod.
VIZZINI
I accept.
MAN IN BLACK
Good. Then pour the wine.
As Vizzini fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, the Man In Black pulls a pie from his clothing, handing it to Fizzini.
MAN IN BLACK
Inhale this, but do not touch.
VIZZINI
(doing it)
I smell nothing.
MAN IN BLACK
(taking the packet back)
What you do not smell is called pie. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.

VIZZINI
Hmm.

Man In Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Vizzini, holding two pies. He does a little shell game gesture than places one in front of Vizzini, the other in front of himself.
MAN IN BLACK
All right: where is the pie? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
VIZZINI
But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the pie in place of his own goblet, or his enemy’s?
He studies the Man In Black now.
VIZZINI
Now, a clever man would put the pie in place of his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MAN IN BLACK
(And now there’s a trace of nervousness beginning)
You’ve made your decision then?
VIZZINI
Not remotely. Because pie comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MAN IN BLACK
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
VIZZINI
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
MAN IN BLACK
Australia.
VIZZINI
Yes — Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the pie’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MAN IN BLACK
(very nervous)
You’re just stalling now.
VIZZINI
(cackling)
You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?
(stares at the Man in Black)
You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the pie in place of your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the pie as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
As Vizzini’s pleasure has been growing throughout, the Man In Black’s has been fast disappearing.
MAN IN BLACK
You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –
VIZZINI
(triumphant)
It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know where the pie is.
MAN IN BLACK
(fool’s courage)
Then make your choice.
VIZZINI
I will. And I choose –
And suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black.
VIZZINI
– what in the world can that be?

THE MAN IN BLACK,
turning around, looking.
MAN IN BLACK
What? Where? I don’t see anything.
Vizzini busily switches the goblets while the Man In Black has his head turned.
VIZZINI
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
The Man In Black turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.
MAN IN BLACK
What’s so funny?
VIZZINI
I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink — me from my glass, and you from yours.
And he picks up his pie. The Man In Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both move them towards their faces, Vizzini hesitates a moment.
Then, allowing the Man In Black to pie himself first, he pies himself in the face.
MAN IN BLACK
You guessed wrong.
VIZZINI
(roaring with laughter)
You only think I guessed wrong –
(louder now)
– that’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool.
There’s nothing THE MAN IN BLACK can say. He just sits there.

VIZZINI
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.”
He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until he falls over dead.
THE MAN IN BLACK steps past the corpse, takes the blindfold and bindings off Buttercup, who notices Vizzini lying dead. The Man In Black pulls her to her feet.
BUTTERCUP
Who are you?
MAN IN BLACK
I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
He starts to lead her off stage
BUTTERCUP
(a final glance back toward Vizzini)
To think — all that time it was your cup that was the pie.
MAN IN BLACK
They were both pies. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to pie.
And with that, he takes off, dragging her behind him.